Thursday, November 1st, 2012

Haute Press, Touché







#Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The Whore

samantha miley1 #Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The WhoreSince the inception of the sexual revolution in the 60’s (bless their hearts), whoredom has been on the rise. Female characters on television like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City freely have sex…and enjoy it. Even reality shows like Jersey Shore and The Real World have reoccurring themes of girls hooking up casually. We know that it’s totally “whorish” but we still feel some small victory when Snooki finds her “gorilla juicehead” of the night and manages to “get it in.” We want to get it in too! Sort of.

On the other hand, there’s the depiction of the virginal type like the lovely Charlotte from Sex and the City. She’s managed to never have a whorish moment in her lifetime. We view her as respectable for being so innocent, and adorable for being so naïve.

At the same time, she seems completely disconnected to her own sexuality.  She can’t talk about sex without blushing and we imagine that sleeping with her would be less than thrilling. And yet who couldn’t love her “good girl” aura? We want to be innocent too! Sort of.

There is a constant struggle between “the virgin” and “the whore” in all of us. Think Black Swan, but less psychotic. It’s fascinating that strong, independent women are assumed to be sexually fierce while we associate the sweet virgin with doe-eyed naivete. These messages can be confusing for us as women when applied to our everyday life. What is the protocol for sleeping with a guy? What is “right” and what is “wrong,” “whorish” and “virginal”?

Who says that a voracious sexual appetite and a working moral compass can’t coexist peacefully? Our culture does. We are living in a hypocritical society!

Ladies, men will push you for sex. The media pushes you toward sex. But give it up “too easily” and suddenly you’re being scrutinized. Who in the hell is making these rules?

Sure, there are plenty of women who are able to hook up just for the sake of hooking up. However, I’d go out on a limb and say for many of us that is easier said than done– not in a negative sense, but just because we aren’t really “made” that way.  It’s much harder for women to separate themselves emotionally from sexual situations than it is for men.

In terms of biology, women release a hormone called Oxytocin upon sexual arousal which facilitates a bonding experience with the partner. Some research suggests this is why women are more likely to become attached to a partner after sex while men seem to have the ability to get it up, get down to business, and get going on their merry way.
charlotte york #Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The Whore

Add Oxytocin in with a bunch of other ingredients for awkwardness and you are stirring up a recipe for a dating disaster—if you’re even “dating” that is.

So what time is the “right” time? When it comes to cooking, my grandmother always says “Forget the recipe. Use your judgment. Judge! Judge! Judge! That’s how magic happens.” Weirdly enough, I feel like this piece of advice can be applied to sex. I wish I could sit here and tell you exactly what time is the best time but the truth is, I’d be talking out of my ass.

Girls, use your judgment.  This doesn’t mean judge other people’s choices but rather use your judgement to guide your own.

There are a lot of things you might want to consider before sleeping with a guy. Do you like him? Does he like you? Do you want commitment? Do you not? Are you going to freak out afterward? What exactly do you want out of this? Are you having fun or just telling yourself that you are? Are you going to expect more after sex? Will you feel guilty? Will sex make you feel like you have to like him more than you actually do? Will it make you never talk to him again? What if you really like him and then sexually you’re totally disappointed….can you handle THAT?

You need to know exactly where you stand with this guy – and more importantly, you need to know exactly where you stand on sexuality, period. This means eff all external influences! Screw the media, screw what your mama told you, screw what your friends think or what you believe they will think. Turn inward and trust yourself. How are YOU feeling about this? What do YOU want to do?

If you are not ready for sex, be aware of red flags. These days a lot of guys are giving up chivalry to “hang out”.  If a guy asks you to “hang out” you might want to do a little detective work to figure out what this consists of.  If “hanging out” means going to a concert – awesome! If “hanging out” means a DVD and some wine at his place –RED FLAG! Suggest a neutral spot to meet!  If he is interested in getting to know you and not just getting to know your vagina, he will be happy to accommodate the suggestion. If he seems disinterested, he probably just wants to bone you. If that’s cool with you than hey, do your thing (Samantha Jones does hers!)  But if it’s not cool with you, don’t do it.

DISCLAIMER: SLEEPING WITH A GUY WILL NOT MAKE HIM FALL FOR YOU! There is something important to keep in mind here, and  that is that sex usually doesn’t happen before commitment. Sure, there are plenty of exceptions to this rule (*cough Snooki and Jionni cough*), but it’s the exception – not the rule. The rule is that for some level of commitment to develop, sex has to be put on hold.

For guys, sex is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If you hand a guy your pot of gold right away, he’s not going to keep chasing the rainbow. That’s just how it works. If you make him wait he has the chance to get to know you as a person whereas if you don’t, he will feel like he already conquered you—no more “work” necessary. Be mindful of this, not for his sake, but for yours.

Above all, the decisions that you make regarding your sex life are yours and yours alone- just make sure you use protection.  Don’t worry about labels like “virgin” or “whore” because you’re neither, you’re just you. Remember what you’re worth and that this card is YOURS!  Play it when the timing is right for YOU.


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