Saturday, March 16th, 2013

Haute Press, Love + Sex, Men, News, Touché

By

    #Throwback Dealing With a Player? Bring Your A-Game

    sanaa lathan #Throwback Dealing With a Player? Bring Your A Game

    So you’re a lady who has eyes for a ladies’ man. You are certainly not the first, and you won’t be the last.  The game is rough, that’s why you need to learn how to play it. It’s been said to master the game, you must act like a guy. This is totally false. You are not a guy, you’re a girl – a woman – a femme fatale – a divine and amazing creature who is by nature (because Mother Nature is a girl, duh) much more emotionally-intelligent and intuitive than your male counterparts. You also have been blessed with this little thing called cleavage. You are a girl; you have a different (and very powerful) set of weapons, and you my dear, must utilize them. You’ve got a crush on a guy who loves to play games, but every game comes with a set of rules:

    1. Avoid Jealousy and Hear-Say. When dealing with a Ladies’ Man, you are bound to run into this. Avoid it! If he is not taking the bait and you see him going after another girl, ignore it! If you hear rumors about him, ignore them! It’s hard to recover from drama especially if it happens too early on. Go about your night un-phased.

    2. Be Cool With His Friends. Don’t confuse this with being “one of the guys”, because you are not one of the guys and once he sees you like that, it will be difficult to establish yourself as anything more.  However, if his friends approve of you as being “cool”, this will ease his decision as to whether or not you are a keeper.

    3. Keep Your Options Open. You’re a girl remember? Girls always have options. That’s just the way of the world. So even if Mr. Ladies’ Man isn’t blowing up your phone, I’m sure that nice guy from work or the guy you met last week or that guy that’s had a crush on you for five years are all within reach, don’t rule them out!

    4. Keep Him Guessing. Don’t make yourself too available. Don’t answer his texts right away or break plans to hang out with him. You are really cool, and really busy (even when you are sitting at home in your flannel PJ’s watching Sex & The City reruns with your dear friends Ben and Jerry).

    5. Set Your Standards High From the Get-Go. Patti Stanger says, “The first date sets the precedent for the whole relationship.” Ladies’ Man is working off of his rules, so if the only time he’s hitting you up is past midnight when he wants to meet you at the bar after being out with his friends all night – decline. Unless he is taking you out to dinner or to a movie and treating you like a lady, it’s not a good move. It’s not a good move because that’s not good enough. Period.

    6. Lust Isn’t Love Sweetheart. Let him get to know you, and don’t give him any nookie.  If you do, he has nothing else to work toward. You are a present in a big red bow. If you get unwrapped too early, you’ll just become a toy that he gets bored of playing with, and that effing sucks. Don’t put yourself in a position where your decision-making becomes clouded. You are worth the wait, and if he’s worth it, he will recognize this (and respect it).

    7. Be Confident! Be Yourself! Never doubt yourself or try to be something you’re not. If you feel like you have to change who you are to please this guy, trust me, he’s not worth it.

    8. Keep Your Guard Up. Don’t trust him too easily, but at the same time, still give him the benefit-of-the-doubt. His actions will always speak louder than his words. A lot of guys talk the talk, but many of them do not walk the walk. Don’t try to change him! Even though this seems like a fun challenge with a Ladies’ Man, it’s not. If you put yourself in a position to be walked all over, that is exactly what will happen. He will change if he WANTS to change. Remember most guys are going to tell you what they think you want to hear. Listen to him but be skeptical! He will show you how he really feels through his actions. If you start to see that it’s not going anywhere, be smart enough to walk away with your head held high.

    9. Look Hot. It speaks for itself. Do your hair! Treat yourself to a mani/pedi.  Keep your lips glossed and your face fresh! Dress your best, but remember there’s a fine line between sexy and trashy. If you are showing cleavage, don’t show off your legs. If you are wearing a short skirt, wear a blazer. Dress for where you are going, but also dress in such a way that leaves some things up to the imagination.

    10. Do Your Own Thing. This is HANDS DOWN the absolute most important rule. It’s great if you have things in common, but you do not have to share every single one of his interests (because that would just make you a “poser”, and that’s so middle school). You have plenty going on in your own life, and if you don’t, it’s time to change that. Fill up your free time with things you truly love doing, whether it be spending time with your friends, working out, traveling, or engrossing yourself in your job or schoolwork. Never become so attached to a guy (or the idea of a relationship) that you stop feeding your own life’s loves. Whether you are in it for the long haul or it doesn’t end up working out, remember you are too precious to ever lose yourself!

    If you are forced to play the game, than by all means, play it. Use your tools and use them well.  However, the best guys are the ones that you don’t have to play games with. Sometimes the best relationships come from a situation where there was never a game at all. If you find someone you can have mutual honesty, respect, and trust with from the start…you’re golden!

    Get more POSHGLAM! Follow us on Twitter, "Like" us on Facebook....

    Tags: , , , , , , , ,

    Thursday, November 1st, 2012

    Haute Press, Love + Sex, Touché

    By

      #Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The Whore

      samantha miley1 #Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The WhoreSince the inception of the sexual revolution in the 60’s (bless their hearts), whoredom has been on the rise. Female characters on television like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City freely have sex…and enjoy it. Even reality shows like Jersey Shore and The Real World have reoccurring themes of girls hooking up casually. We know that it’s totally “whorish” but we still feel some small victory when Snooki finds her “gorilla juicehead” of the night and manages to “get it in.” We want to get it in too! Sort of.

      On the other hand, there’s the depiction of the virginal type like the lovely Charlotte from Sex and the City. She’s managed to never have a whorish moment in her lifetime. We view her as respectable for being so innocent, and adorable for being so naïve.

      At the same time, she seems completely disconnected to her own sexuality.  She can’t talk about sex without blushing and we imagine that sleeping with her would be less than thrilling. And yet who couldn’t love her “good girl” aura? We want to be innocent too! Sort of.

      There is a constant struggle between “the virgin” and “the whore” in all of us. Think Black Swan, but less psychotic. It’s fascinating that strong, independent women are assumed to be sexually fierce while we associate the sweet virgin with doe-eyed naivete. These messages can be confusing for us as women when applied to our everyday life. What is the protocol for sleeping with a guy? What is “right” and what is “wrong,” “whorish” and “virginal”?

      Who says that a voracious sexual appetite and a working moral compass can’t coexist peacefully? Our culture does. We are living in a hypocritical society!

      Ladies, men will push you for sex. The media pushes you toward sex. But give it up “too easily” and suddenly you’re being scrutinized. Who in the hell is making these rules?

      Sure, there are plenty of women who are able to hook up just for the sake of hooking up. However, I’d go out on a limb and say for many of us that is easier said than done– not in a negative sense, but just because we aren’t really “made” that way.  It’s much harder for women to separate themselves emotionally from sexual situations than it is for men.

      In terms of biology, women release a hormone called Oxytocin upon sexual arousal which facilitates a bonding experience with the partner. Some research suggests this is why women are more likely to become attached to a partner after sex while men seem to have the ability to get it up, get down to business, and get going on their merry way.
      charlotte york #Throwback: To Sex or Not to Sex? The Virgin vs. The Whore

      Add Oxytocin in with a bunch of other ingredients for awkwardness and you are stirring up a recipe for a dating disaster—if you’re even “dating” that is.

      So what time is the “right” time? When it comes to cooking, my grandmother always says “Forget the recipe. Use your judgment. Judge! Judge! Judge! That’s how magic happens.” Weirdly enough, I feel like this piece of advice can be applied to sex. I wish I could sit here and tell you exactly what time is the best time but the truth is, I’d be talking out of my ass.

      Girls, use your judgment.  This doesn’t mean judge other people’s choices but rather use your judgement to guide your own.

      There are a lot of things you might want to consider before sleeping with a guy. Do you like him? Does he like you? Do you want commitment? Do you not? Are you going to freak out afterward? What exactly do you want out of this? Are you having fun or just telling yourself that you are? Are you going to expect more after sex? Will you feel guilty? Will sex make you feel like you have to like him more than you actually do? Will it make you never talk to him again? What if you really like him and then sexually you’re totally disappointed….can you handle THAT?

      You need to know exactly where you stand with this guy – and more importantly, you need to know exactly where you stand on sexuality, period. This means eff all external influences! Screw the media, screw what your mama told you, screw what your friends think or what you believe they will think. Turn inward and trust yourself. How are YOU feeling about this? What do YOU want to do?

      If you are not ready for sex, be aware of red flags. These days a lot of guys are giving up chivalry to “hang out”.  If a guy asks you to “hang out” you might want to do a little detective work to figure out what this consists of.  If “hanging out” means going to a concert – awesome! If “hanging out” means a DVD and some wine at his place –RED FLAG! Suggest a neutral spot to meet!  If he is interested in getting to know you and not just getting to know your vagina, he will be happy to accommodate the suggestion. If he seems disinterested, he probably just wants to bone you. If that’s cool with you than hey, do your thing (Samantha Jones does hers!)  But if it’s not cool with you, don’t do it.

      DISCLAIMER: SLEEPING WITH A GUY WILL NOT MAKE HIM FALL FOR YOU! There is something important to keep in mind here, and  that is that sex usually doesn’t happen before commitment. Sure, there are plenty of exceptions to this rule (*cough Snooki and Jionni cough*), but it’s the exception – not the rule. The rule is that for some level of commitment to develop, sex has to be put on hold.

      For guys, sex is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If you hand a guy your pot of gold right away, he’s not going to keep chasing the rainbow. That’s just how it works. If you make him wait he has the chance to get to know you as a person whereas if you don’t, he will feel like he already conquered you—no more “work” necessary. Be mindful of this, not for his sake, but for yours.

      Above all, the decisions that you make regarding your sex life are yours and yours alone- just make sure you use protection.  Don’t worry about labels like “virgin” or “whore” because you’re neither, you’re just you. Remember what you’re worth and that this card is YOURS!  Play it when the timing is right for YOU.

      Get more POSHGLAM! Follow us on Twitter, "Like" us on Facebook....

      Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

      Friday, June 22nd, 2012

      Haute Press, Love + Sex, Men, Touché

      By

        What’s in a (#SexPartner) Number, Anyway?

        Sex Key On Computer Keyboard Whats in a (#SexPartner) Number, Anyway?

        At the start of dating a new man, it’s natural to be curious about who he is and the experiences he’s had.  You ask him about his family and friends. You may inquire about his travels, his college years, and his job.  However, it’s not a good idea to ask a guy about his“number”.  Here’s why…

        Let’s be real here. The purpose of you knowing his number is to gauge how “good” of a guy he is. If his number is low by your standards, you assume he takes sex seriously and is respectful of women.  This preconceived notion, however, is wrong. Whatever his number is, it is not indicative of whether he is a “bad” guy or a “good” guy. If he has been single for a long time, chances are, he has had his fair share of sexual experiences. And there’s also a slight chance that he hasn’t. Either way, who are you to judge?

        Whatever path he was on, it lead him to you. Now that you are the girl he is dating, the one who has his interest, why would you bother yourself with knowing the semantics of his past?

        Moreover, his past has ultimately shaped who he is—and that’s a good thing.  I’d even argue that some degree of dating, relationship, and sexual experience is a plus.  I am not saying that it is ideal to date a guy who has slept around carelessly!  However, the guy who has had a decent amount of experience with the opposite sex knows what he wants and what he absolutely does NOT want.  If you feel that he is sincere and trustworthy, that’s all you need to move forward.

        Most guys’ numbers  include a solid mixture of girls they’ve dated, girlfriends, flings, and one-nighters. Some they cared about, some they didn’t. Some made for a good story, and most they’ll never speak to again.

        There are also other factors to consider in terms of his number. Has he been single? If so, for how long? How old is he? When did he lose his virginity? Has he dated various girls that you are aware of? Is he a ladies’ man or more of a guy’s guy? Did he ever have a wild or experimental stage? (hint hint: COLLEGE!!!)

        All these components will play a role in how many girls he has been with.  Whether it’s low or high, his number doesn’t make him better or worse than any other guy. Every person is different and therefore will have unique experiences.

        Furthermore, when you ask this question, he’ll most likely feel as if he’s being judged. He may even lie—not because he is a bad person, but because he wants to win your approval and a high number could prevent that from happening! If you ask early on in the relationship, he might fear that this information will negatively impact the way you see him.

        And he would be right. You will think about the other girls he has been with and it will bother you.  It may even become a hurdle in getting to know him and might prevent you from having a really awesome relationship.

        Steering clear of this conversation shows that you are secure, mature and respectful. Do you want him asking you about your past? Probably not, even if you are completely at ease with it, so maybe it’s best not to ask him the details of his. Even if you think you really want to know…trust me, you don’t.

        In new relationships, it’s important to remember the past has passed! Be smart, mature and confident. Enjoy where you are with him right now.

        Get more POSHGLAM! Follow us on Twitter, "Like" us on Facebook....

        Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

        Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

        Love + Sex

        By

          Lessons in Love: Relationships 101

          loving couple Lessons in Love: Relationships 101
          What’s up lovely readers near and far!? It’s good to be back spicing up the Love column with some words of wisdom. In a relationship? Here’s what you need to know.

          1. CHERISH YOU
          There are things you know you need to be at your best. For me, it’s my friends. I need them… probably more than the “normal” person needs their friends. I thrive on girl time and love talking and letting loose with my girls to keep me sane. A good tan, fresh highlights, and a mani/pedi doesn’t hurt either. Make time for the things that matter to you! Let your partner know what matters to you! One person shouldn’t be calling all the shots. Adapting to someone else’s agenda isn’t what you sign up for when you become someone’s girlfriend; compromising IS.  Be flexible!  It’s all about meeting somewhere in the middle. If the middle isn’t where your relationship is hanging out, it might be time to make some changes.

          2. EXPRESS YOURSELF
          Look, you know what you need and when. You know when something pisses you off. You know when something is just grinding your nerves like there is no tomorrow. You also know when you are being insane. Don’t be one of those chicks who “Yeses” her boy to death and sweeps her own stuff under the rug. There’s nothing cute about that. Pick your battles though! Often there is one underlined issue that is not being addressed, and it may come out in the form of multiple disagreements. Address the issue and deal with it! Putting two people together and creating a peacefully working unit takes work, but if you aren’t expressing your feelings about things up front in a healthy way—it will come out in other ways, and it won’t be pretty.

          3. BE REALISTIC
          Recognize that you are an individual and so is he. There are going to be things you just do differently. You are two different people, two personalities, two perspectives. You are not always going to be operating from the same point-of-view. Respect that and realize that things are not going to always be “peaches & cream”. Relationships are work! When you find someone who you think is worth putting the work in for, roll your sleeves up and go for it. If you’re not willing to put in work, you are probably not ready for a serious relationship. Recognize and appreciate your partner’s efforts. Don’t just think about their effect on you, but also be aware of your effect on them. Pay attention to circumstances and what is going on in their world. Try to be understanding of their reality. Everyone is different! Accept and appreciate the differences. Patiently working together through these differences is what separates the success stories and the not-so-successful stories.

          4. TAKE YOUR TIME
          There is no need to rush anything. Chill the hell out! If things are moving too fast for you, don’t be scared to put the brakes on it a little bit. Be open with your partner about where you are at. Realize it takes time to get to a place where you know what works and doesn’t work for the two of you. If you jump in feet first, you might learn the latter before you learn the former, and too much, too soon, can be a difficult place to backpedal from. A relationship is an organic thing; it takes time to get to a place you both can feel comfortable with. Be patient with one another as you learn and grow together. Sometimes you need to take two steps backward to take one forward.

          5. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
          What do you love about each other? What are the things that made you fall head over heels in the first place? When things start to get tough, remember what drew you together initially. Know what qualities are the most important to you in another person; does your partner have these qualities? As people, we like to find fault in things and tend to think the grass is greener. Every relationship is different; if you think yours is something truly special—remember that!

          6. MAKE TIME TO ENJOY ONE ANOTHER
          What is it that you two love doing together? Do you like going out to romantic dinners? Going on adventures? Spending a day at the beach? Playing video games? Hanging out with another couple? Watching a T.V. show you both like? Whatever it is, make time for it. Life is stressful. The more time you put into actually enjoying your relationship, the more you will get out of it. Keep the chemistry alive. Be intimate! Even though a relationship is work, never treat it like a job. Even if you see each other daily, make sure you are making actual time to have fun together. Remember to be a friend to your partner. Laugh as much as possible. Goof off. Be silly. Let loose and Have FUN! It sounds cliché, but laughter is like glue, and the couple that plays together, stays together.

          7. MAKE ONE ANOTHER FEEL SPECIAL
          Ask yourself, what did I do today to let her/him know that I appreciate her/him? We get so wrapped up in our own jobs, routines, priorities, and friends that the other person may feel left in the dust –like their world isn’t as important and they are just there for the ride. I call BULLSHIT! Both of your worlds are equally as important and deserve equal amount of attention. If you are not feeling extra special or appreciated, try to gently let the other person know.

          8. BE SELF AWARE
          Try to be aware of your faults as well as your great qualities. Anyone that says they have nothing to work on, or thinks they are always right, is WHACKOSAURUS REX… or just an extraterrestrial from the planet of a bullshit. Pay attention to your role in things. Most of the time, you are not going to perceive yourself the same way your partner does, that’s why it’s important to communicate. You can’t do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Evolve! If you want to make a change, start with you! Recognize your faults and work at them. Be patient with yourself, it takes time! Relationship or no relationship, you’ll be a better person because of it.

          9. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER
          Knowing how to handle your partner is a process. You will learn things about them every day, and will see them at their best and worst. Sometimes one of you will suck, and other times, the other one of you will suck. You are going to go through great times and tough times. It’s ebb and flow baby! Be there for each other and listen to one another! Set aside a time to have a serious conversation if need be. If things are tough and you want to work on it, sit down and make a plan together. Be proactive rather than reactive. Discuss things openly, and be willing to listen to what the other person has to say. Patiently taking that extra ten seconds to relay your feelings in a way that will make your partner feel respected is important, so is taking the time to hear what your partner is feeling. How to deal with your differences is not something you automatically know, but rather something you will learn over time and through trial and error. It is SO important that both people feel HEARD in the relationship. You will inevitably deal with conflict, so sit your asses down and deal with it together.

          10. ACT AS A “WE” & AN “US” RATHER THAN A “YOU” & “I”
          Get rid of your “me vs. you” mentality. This isn’t a showdown! You’re a team. Your long-term relationship plans should match up with your short-term relationship goals. That means, you can’t expect to get into a relationship and things be the way they were before. Becoming a team is not an overnight development! You’re individuals remember? Patience, understanding, acceptance, compromise, and LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! is what will get you there. Good Luck!

          Get more POSHGLAM! Follow us on Twitter, "Like" us on Facebook....

          Tags:

          Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

          Love + Sex

          By

            True Love: It Begins in the Mirror

            naked old people True Love: It Begins in the Mirror
            It has been said before, but at the risk of sounding cliché, like your mother, or a broken record—you must learn to love yourself before you can ever love another in a healthy way.

            As women, we spend a lot of time focusing on romance and relationships.  We enjoy chatter about men, dating and white picket fences. Turn down the volume on this channel, and tune into YOU.

            I invite you to devote more energy to the most important relationship of all—the one you have with yourself.

            With all that life throws at us, at times it’s all too easy to lose ourselves, to forget who we are, and all the things that shape each one of us as individuals.
            Take a moment to ask yourself, “What exactly makes me, me?”  “What is it that creates who I am, at the very core of my soul?”

            At times, we may be so eager to form a romantic relationship, or to make an existing romance work, that we forget to be our own best friend.  Ladies, you must always advocate for yourself.  If you don’t, no one else will either.  In order for any relationship to be satisfying:  you must know who you are, what your needs are, and how much you are willing to compromise without compromising.

            Life’s ups and downs bring us all a little bit closer to our authentic selves.

            It is not news, but as wonderful as it can be, life will also challenge you and hurt you.  Sometimes our experiences leave lasting impressions on us that may alter us in ways both good, and bad.  Lousy relationships, poor decision-making, and inevitable suffering all seem to be menaces to happiness, yet act as amazing teachers in the process.  When you are faced with an obstacle, you learn a lot about yourself.

            On that note, ladies, do not look to a relationship to save you. A relationship with another is not a one-way ticket to happiness. However, a strong relationship with yourself, is. It is unhealthy to rely on other people to bring you happiness; happiness starts with you!

            Never question your worth. Never base your worth on the opinions of others.  You are you, and there is no one else in the world quite like you; how awesome is that?

            Remember, every experience is an opportunity for growth—an opportunity to grow closer to who you are and the person you want to be.  Self-acceptance and self-love are the starting points for all other relationships to thrive.  If you believe in yourself, and love who you are, you will meet challenges with much more ease.  You will also spend a lot less time worrying about what other people think.

            Most of you read this column because you are seeking advice on a guy, and of course we wish to help you with that! However, it is important for all of you to realize that the guy is somewhat of a bonus.  Don’t chase him!  Just when you are all cozy with you—wrapped up in your wonderful life with your fabulous self—that’s when he comes.  How could a man not be attracted to such a strong, confident, happy woman?

            Give yourself permission to shine from the inside, out.

            What is it that makes your heart flutter? What is it that makes you feel great—makes you look at your reflection in the mirror and say “You go girl!”  Find your life’s passion and surrender yourself to it, whatever it may be.  Keep yourself busy with the things that you enjoy doing, and surround yourself with people who appreciate and love who you are!

            In Sex & The City, Carrie bestows some wisdom, “Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.  There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere expected, and those that bring you back.  But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself, and if you can find someone to love the you that you love—well, that’s just fabulous.”

            I could not have said it better myself.

            You are fantastic… now go set the world on fire!

            Get more POSHGLAM! Follow us on Twitter, "Like" us on Facebook....

            Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,